How to approach cyberbullying with your kids
S1: I'm Andrew Bracken , and this is Screen Time , featuring conversations about technology and kids in today's digital age. We see a lot of headlines about cyberbullying and the harms it's bringing to kids today , but it's a lot to navigate , even to understand. Add to that things like sextortion and it's a lot for parents to grapple with. Today we hear from a child psychiatrist from Rady Children's Hospital on what parents need to know and the power , connection and communication can have with our kids. Here's my conversation with Doctor Willow Jenkins. To start , can you define cyberbullying ? I feel like it's a term that covers a lot of different ground.
S2: Yes , the cyberbullying is the use of any type of digital technology to instill harm or to hurt somebody else. So it encompasses all sorts of things cell phones , gaming platforms , anything that you could be doing online.
S1: You know , we're familiar with bullying. You know , at the schoolyard , bully is a very familiar concept.
S2: And I do think back to when I was in school and like the bullying would be somebody writing something nasty in a bathroom stall , and now it's evolved , that it's writing something online for everybody to see. So it is a very different experience that youth are having than we had when we were young in school. So I think it's really important to acknowledge that. And of course , sometimes bullying starts with somebody you know in person and transitions online through texting , through Snapchat , through some of these modalities. But a lot of times it is anonymous or with somebody that the youth has connected with online by itself.
S1:
S2: There's no reprieve. It's 24 over seven , it's online. And there's also the digital footprint. So of course that can be helpful because then you have evidence. But that also means it can also be permanent and follow somebody around. And then when it's done in the public space , it means a lot of people can also contribute public people , it can grow. And that is so much different from the experience of just being in a schoolyard where maybe you'd go home and have a little bit of a break from the situation. That's no longer the case.
S1: And yet , you know , there is arguments that I've heard from young people. Also , there's a viral social media post from a famous musician kind of making almost like light of cyberbullying and saying , you just walk away from your computer and it goes away , which there is some truth to that , right ? But at the same time , it's a lot more complicated for kids that experience it , right ? Yeah.
S2: I 100% , you know , disagree that cyber bullying is not serious. I think it is just as serious , if not more so , than the in-person bullying that we traditionally think of. We know from research that the implications are widespread. Children who experience cyberbullying , particularly children of minorities , are more at risk for mental health concerns. So the evidence is certainly there that it has a huge impact. And even if you're not directly viewing the content , it's still something that you are dealing with. So just putting down the computer also is easier said than done if you're a student who has to do homework. I mean , so much of our lives are digital. That completely disconnecting is often not possible for a lot of youth who are experiencing cyberbullying.
S1: There's also sextortion. Could you explain what that is and kind of what we've been seeing there ? Yeah.
S2: No. Sextortion is something that's really important to talk about openly with your child because it has been happening and because of the shame surrounding it. A lot of youth don't speak up about it. So what it is , is it's when somebody either elicits sexual image from a youth and then distributes it , or threatens the youth with release of it. Or in this generation , too , there's AI and deepfakes where they're actually creating images that are not real but threatening to release it. And because it is relatively widespread , it is so important that parents directly talk to your child about what to do if that happens to you , prepare them. If it does happen , and just share that you would not have any judgment and only be there to support them if they did find themselves a victim of sextortion. Of course , there's also legal ramifications of that too. So that's a situation of what I'd consider more severe cyberbullying , where you might want to look at laws in your state and see if that's something that law enforcement would get involved with.
S1: You brought up an interesting point there about cyberbullying and how you handle it and also report it. I think sometimes it could feel a little like daunting to what you do when it happens. You just kind of deal with it , but how you take action on it.
S2: You're so far ahead because many children still do not tell their parents. So if your child's come to you , the most important thing is to stay calm , listen , collect as much information without judgment , and then emphasize to your child that you will keep them safe and you will support them unconditionally. Those are really two key messages to give to your child. If they've experienced cyberbullying , then of course you want to see who it is. Is there evidence that needs to be collected ? Screenshots. This is a step that often gets forgotten. You know , parents will say just delete it , but actually you do want a record of it. Particularly if it doesn't stop , then you have a timeline to be able to go back to contacting the school. If it's somebody who , you know in person is really important , contacting the other if it's a minor , their parents and involving them as well is very key. And then of course , looking at the laws and seeing if this is something that should elevate to law enforcement. I'm of the strong camp , that cyberbullying is a form of abuse and needs to be taken very seriously , and that as parents , we absolutely need to intervene. It's not something to be brushed off or said , oh , this is just a joke because the impacts are so clear to our youth.
S1:
S2: And so for a lot of us , our children have access to iPads and tablets in elementary school. And I think it's so important to speak to your child about being a good digital citizen , what it looks like to support other people online , how to use your online presence for in a positive way to support and uplift people. And so whether identifying signs that you might be cyber bullied or what to do if you see another child who's being cyber bullied , do you say something ? Do you not ? And the other flip side of this conversation is there's a lot of parents whose youth are cyber bullying other people , and that's something that we need to pay just as much attention to , because there's a lot of ways to help everybody involved in this situation.
S1: Can you talk more about things parents should keep in mind if their kids experience cyberbullying.
S2: I think one of the biggest mistakes that parents make when their child has been a victim of cyberbullying is to unintentionally send the message that their child is being punished , and the biggest thing parents do is they take away their phone. You're being cyber bullied , no phone. But the child should not be being punished for being cyberbullying. They are the victim. So while they might need support in keeping safe online , we should really think about completely removing their device. Maybe they need more monitor access , but unfortunately a lot of children share that. The reason is that they didn't tell their parents they were being cyberbullying is because they're like , well , my , they take my phone away. I wasn't going to do that. I didn't want to tell them because they take my phone away. And so directly addressing that with your child too. When we talked about making a contract , like , if this happens , it's not that you're going to lose all access , it's really that the focus is on keeping you safe. And that's a conversation. I have so much with parents. We see children getting into trouble with their cell phone and social media all the time. And I explain this isn't about restricting or punishing you. This is just about how are we going to keep you safe for the time being while we sort this out ? Maybe we're developing other skills. Maybe the person is being dealt with in a different way. And so that's the biggest kind of caution I would give to parents to make sure that they don't inadvertently punish their child for being cyber bullied.
S1: You're right , because in these cases , a lot of times will be young children and they're just kind of figuring stuff out and may not know what they're saying. I mean , I've found some texts pretty early on where I was not expecting that type of dialogue between such young kids. And I think it's it's pretty common.
S2: It's really common. And I mean , the immediate thing , of course , if a child is the bully is to label them as a bad child. And that's so often not the case. And it's not a fault of parenting , it's just an indication that there's more help that's needed. And the motivation for why a child could say something could range from something innocuous as thinking it was funny and a joke , not realizing the impact , being peer pressured to something that might be more harmful. But there's room in all of that to get that child support and help , And they can go on and have absolutely wonderful friendships and not bully anyone else. It's part of navigating , growing up and letting your child know that you'll support them is just so key. I can't say that enough. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. Just having those conversations and that open dialogue at the same time , that can be a challenge with kids , right ? They may not be super forthcoming. Do you have any suggestions of how to just starting those conversations ? Yeah.
S2: Well , like I say , hopefully you're having the conversation ahead of time before your child has access to the internet and to social media. And there's a lot of tools that can be really helpful. There's digital youth contracts where you sit down with your child and talk about what your expectations are , what behavior you expect from them , the amount of time , what you expect them to be using the internet for prioritizing educational content , for example. So setting those expectations is really key. And then also coupling that with if you ever encounter anything online that's making you uncomfortable , if anybody is targeting you or saying something to you. Please know you can come to me with anything. And that messaging is so key for parents to say verbally. A lot of us think , oh , my kid knows , but they don't know unless you've said it. And I think that's really key to have that very , almost formalized conversation with them where you go through kind of your expectations and , you know , share that you're there to support them and help them navigating the internet world.
S1: You can find more resources on all things Kids in Tech at our website , KPBS. Meantime , what questions do you have when it comes to your kids and screens ? My email is Screen Time at KPBS. I'm Andrew Bracken. Thanks for listening.
