The Pandemic Pivot: The Parenting Struggle Is Real

The parenting struggle right now is real. VOX Pop First half, end with ‘over our heads’ Collage of voices of parents sharing pandemic parenting struggles. BEAT Parenting is hard all the time… But right now, in a pandemic.. With families stuck at home trying to juggle work and school and all the rest of what life is throwing at us…. It’s. Just. Brutal. VOX Pop Second half, end with ‘over our heads’ Collage of voices of parents sharing pandemic parenting struggles. BEAT I had this moment the other day while I was trying to do distance learning with my 7-year-old. He was being particularly defiant and his whining was like nails being dragged slowly across a chalkboard while someone played a vuvuzela in my face. I pictured myself picking up his handwriting workbook and throwing it across the room. Then I saw myself snapping the pencil I was holding in half, and storming back into my bedroom while slamming and locking the door behind me. BEAT Old me might actually have done all that. New pandemic mom me though? New me just let the crazy images rush through my brain. Then I took a deep breath.. Told my kid I understood his frustrations… And kept going. BEAT CLIP FROM PANDEMIC PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP (NO PARENT VOICES, ONLY LISA AND/OR LISA/KINZ) The sun was down and most of us parents sat in the dark… Our faces lit only by the glow of our computer screens. Lisa Howe, a parenting coach, welcomes us to the free online “Peaceful Parenting in a Pandemic” support group she now runs. CLIP FROM PANDEMIC PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP Lisa asks each of us dozen or so parents in tonight’s online zoom meeting to share both stories of successes and struggles. The stories about struggles come way easier. Like one mom who works in the medical industry.. She just straight-up says she has zero things to be happy about right now. She’s just feeling totally defeated. And Lisa reminds her that it’s OK to feel that way. PARENT SUPPORT GROUP CLIP 4 ….I think that sharing when we’re struggling is so important…….yeah this is really hard. BEAT I’m Kinsee Morlan and you’re listening to The Pandemic Pivot… A KPBS pop-up series where we check in with our community to see how we’re coming up with creative and innovative ways to navigate our new lives with COVID-19. BEAT San Diego Unified will officially start conducting school online beginning April 27. The work we’ve all been doing at home so far -- none of it has been collected or graded. But that’s about to change. We thought, what better time than now to talk about the extraordinary struggles of parenting through a pandemic. So today, a story about Lisa Howe. She’s a parenting coach whose business actually exploded when the coronavirus hit -- for reasons that should by now be pretty darn obvious. The need for parenting support has been so big since COVID-19 hit, that Lisa almost immediately responded by launching a free online support group for parents. She now runs two support groups a week… And they’re usually packed. After the break, more on Lisa and her tips for finding a path to peaceful parenting, even in the middle of a pandemic. But first, if you want to join the conversation...if you have a story of hope, resilience, creativity or you just need to vent, text or call me anytime at (619) 452-0228‬. Or you can use your phone to record a voice memo, and you can email it to me at podcasts at kpbs dot org. MIDROLL 1 AD The shift for my family came about a year ago, when one of my kids started having some behavioral problems in preschool. I realized he wasn’t in the right place, and switched him to a better school. But my husband and I also reached out to a parenting coach, to find out if we could be doing something differently at home to help. And that’s how we found Lisa Howe. BEAT So, there are tons of names for the parenting style Lisa practices and preaches. Clip 5 What Peaceful parenting is peaceful parenting, positive parenting, um, gentle parenting, mindful parenting conscious parenting. It all means the same thing. It's all grounded in the research that authoritative versus authoritarian parenting shows the best long-term outcomes. The change we saw in both our kids after working with Lisa -- some were huge and immediate. Others are still works in progress. I personally still lose my you-know-what sometimes. And so do my kids and husband. But we continue to progress and regress together, and there’s more forward movement than back. And overall, our parenting post-coaching, it’s just made our lives and relationships so much better. We’re all happier because of it. And there’s a lot less yelling. BEAT Os, so, the basic premise of this kind of parenting is this. Clip 6 Firm and Kind I like to say that it really boils down to being firm and kind. Clip 7 This Is What Peaceful Parenting Is So really in peaceful parenting, we focus on the relationship. We are still the leader, but we are a benevolent leader and we value our, what our children have to say. You know, I have a client is, wants to make tee shirts that say kids are people too. And that's part of that philosophy that our children are a part of the family. And that when we engage with them and empower them when it's appropriate, and then when we set limits, we set them with empathy so that we can gain more cooperation. BEAT I’m sure this all sounds kinda mushy and conceptual, but Lisa does give parents actual things they can do to get kids to cooperate. Things that have worked for me, a mom whose natural parenting style is about as far opposite as peaceful as you can get. So, when the coronavirus hit. I had some tools in my parenting book I could pull out and put to use to help me stay calm even though it feels like everything around me is falling apart. But me, and lots of other parents out there like me… We knew the pandemic was really really going to put our parenting skills to the test. So a lot of us reached out early to Lisa for some extra help. Clip 13 Parents were getting nervous As I saw it coming down the pike and I started getting messages from parents saying, I'm starting to feel nervous. I'm starting to feel nervous. That the schools are going to get shut down. How am I possibly going to work and have my children home? And to be honest, I shared those exact same fears. Clip 15 She Got A Big Boon So I got a big boon at first when the first shelter at home came into place. And then once distance learning started. Then my phone and email was just off the hook because I'm hearing time and time again. You know, I'm trying to work from my home. I'm trying to help my children do distance learning. It is not something that young children can certainly do independently. Even my fairly tech savvy second grader is, is needing a lot more support than I anticipated. And so I'm hearing that from, from parents all over. And also our children are struggling. No, we are all struggling right now. And children are showing all sorts of regressing behaviors, which is completely normal. And we're seeing an uptick in, you know, the number of meltdowns that kiddos are having. We're also seeing an uptick in the meltdowns that adults are having. They just look different and parents are feeling really overwhelmed. So I have been quite busy. BEAT Kim Packard has three kids. She first reached out to Lisa about 4 years ago, when the first one of her girls turned two and the struggles began. It's not perfect but it is better It's definitely made things more peaceful at our house. I mean, it's not perfect, you know, we all have our different challenges, but, um, we definitely have, I feel more equilibrium since we started this journey. When the stay-at-home orders went into place, Kim knew things were going to get hard. Real hard. So she reached out to Lisa, and started attending the free support groups on zoom. Clip 3 She Has Attended and its helfpul which has been so helpful, um, for those days where I've just feel completely exasperated to know that I'm not alone on this journey. The other parents. Are having the same struggles, you know, we all are kind of isolated right now. And so it's tricky to navigate this being kind of on top of each other all day long. Attending the support groups...being reminded of some parenting tactics for navigating stress and keeping herself from imploding or exploding... It’s all helped. But Kim says it’s still hard. Especially playing the role of a teacher. Clip 2 She Has The Tools I feel like because I have those tools, for the most part, like I said, I'm not perfect, but for the most part, I'm able to stay fairly calm and grounded during those times and just be empathetic and say, you know what? I know this is hard. This is different. This is different for all of us. It, it wasn't our plan. You know, a lot of things have changed. And so we've been able to kind of work through those things together. BEAT/TRANSITION MUSIC Lisa Howe grew up in a trailer park in Santee. Her parents each worked multiple jobs to support Lisa and her brother. There was a lot of financial stress which, Lisa says, led to a lot of abuse in the house, both physical and emotional. She says yelling was the primary mode of communication in her family. Clip 2 Grew up with abuse My parents, um, were a very authoritarian style. They were very strict, very demanding. I was really, I was raised in an abusive household, um, both physically and emotionally. And, you know, my parents were as well. And it wasn't a thing at the time to seek out support and seek out help. I mean therapy and, and there weren't parenting coaches then. There were tough love groups, which was really the last thing that my parents needed to be attending. Um, and so I knew based on my work in the field, and particularly my work with foster care kids, that abuse had such a long lasting impact. Which of course I had seen in my own life, but in so many children. And so I knew for sure that I did not want to strike my children and I didn't want to yell at them or belittle them. Lisa doesn’t blame her parents for the way they raised her. Their parents raised them the same way, too. And patterns repeat themselves. Especially when it comes to parenting. clip 1 we learn how to parent from our parents ….for worse, we learn how to parent from our parents. BEATS When Lisa got married and then pregnant, she knew only one solid thing about what kind of mom she wanted to be. clip 1 we learn how to parent from our parents When I became a parent, one thing I knew for sure is that I did not want to parent the way I was parented, but I didn't really know. What else was out there? What other options were right? Her journey to becoming a better parent started like so many: reading online articles. Getting lost in them. Falling deep into internet wormholes where one piece of parenting advice immediately gets contradicted by another. But then something stopped her in her tracks. Or better yet; someone. Laura Markham. Laura is the founder of AhaParenting dot com and author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.” She’s basically the godmother of the peaceful parenting movement. Lisa started devouring everything Laura was writing. Clip 3 She Got Excited About Peaceful Parenting And Wanted to Share Once I figured out that there were ways and alternatives and tools, then I really got excited about wanting to share them with other people. BEAT Lisa ended up applying and being selected as one of just 15 people chosen worldwide to train with Laura. And from there, her career as a peaceful parenting coach just took off. BEATS/TRANSITION Before coronavirus, about 40 percent of the parenting coaching Lisa was doing was already online. She has clients across the globe. But the rest of the work she does is in-person, and super personal. She goes to people’s houses, sees how the families interact and makes recommendations based on what she observes. That kind of coaching is powerful and can’t be replicated online. And then there are the support groups she normally runs in San Diego. PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP CLIP Meeting other parents in person, sharing struggles and successes IRL -- it’s a deeply powerful thing. She truly believes human connection is medicine. So moving the group online, and increasing its frequency from once a month to twice a week to combat the added stresses of the pandemic -- Lisa says it just felt like something she had to do. PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP CLIP Clip 16 Started online support groups One of the things that I've been offering twice-weekly a free virtual support group, which has been. To provide an opportunity for parents to hop on, see other parents, um, and share some different joys and struggles and what parents are telling me after each of the groups is that, gosh, that was so helpful to see that other people are struggling with the same thing. It's not just me. It's not just my kiddo. And several parents have said. When they were articulating in their joys, I realized I had those two. I just, I couldn't see them through the struggle. So I think that continuing to build that community is huge. BEAT Clip 22 kids really need us So I certainly make missteps every single day as a parent. And I, what I hope is that by me sharing vulnerably, it offers people the feeling that they can also share vulnerably. And what happens in these virtual support groups is that one person tells the truth and every single person in that room, I guarantee you, myself included, is tired of being touched. We are all feeling touched out, right? Cause our kids are just really needing us. And when one person shares it, other people, they may not have felt safe to say it out loud, but they take that deep breath like you talked about, and then like, yes, that's it. That's the word for how I'm feeling. BEAT Not everything is going perfectly for Lisa. She’s still trying to figure out how to replicate her in-person workshops and classes online. So far, she’s not quite there. But she says she’s gonna keep trying. Clip 23 Be Willing To Fail Just being willing to fail. I think that that's sort of been my motto all along is that I will try something in my business, and if it doesn't work, then okay. I learned something from that and move on. So the pandemic has given me an opportunity to try new things, to try things, to reaching folks. Um, you know, far outside of San Diego. And I think because of that, I'm going to continue to do these things. I'm going to continue to host live online classes and live online support groups. Um, even when I get back into my office and into my classroom. BEAT/TRANSITION Ok, so, if you’re at all like me, you might be hoping for some quick advice right now. Like,what are these peaceful parenting tools that people are talking about? What can I do right now to stop all the yelling? So, here’s a quick tip from Lisa: Clips 24 Take a breath It sounds can sound trite and, and almost silly, but remembering to breathe. We go throughout our day. We're breathing automatically, but we aren't taking a pause and breathing. And right now because everyone is so overwhelmed and stressed with all the roles that they're taking on that we need to practice the pause. And the simplest way to pause is to take some deep breaths. And if you are feeling triggered by your child, which of course you are all day. Stopping, dropping your agenda and breathing. It's not an emergency. He is breathing. And here’s one from me. A tip I picked up from Lisa that’s really helped: don’t forget to play with your kids. It sounds super obvious, but I find myself forgetting it all the time. Just to be as playful as I can in every moment I can when I’m interacting with my kids. So, for example, if I want to get my kid to, I don’t know, put his dishes in the sink or brush his teeth, I try to think about how I can turn the request into a little game. Race my kid to the bathroom, or turn the hamper into a basketball hoop. Or if there isn’t time to play, even If I take a quick second to say something like, “hey, cool magnablock tower you have going there, I love the cat ears you put on top” If I do that before I ask my kid to do something, that tiny little micro connection is actually really powerful. Clip 11 Say What You See and be playful Notice what they're doing. Children just want to be seen in her just like the rest of us and just as it can . Simple as saying what you see, that you just acknowledged what the child was doing. BEAT Clip 9 Play with Your kids Play is the work of children, as Mr. Rogers said. And what we know is that when we play with our children and we connect with them, that they want to follow us, they're biologically wired to follow us, but if they're feeling disconnected, they're less likely to want to do what we've asked them to do. BEAT Clips 10 connect then ask You have to go over to them. Touch them, connect with them, make sure you've got their eye contact, and then make a polite request for them to do something because we're always modeling for them. BEAT Information about how to join the free weekly support groups is online at becomingpeaceful dot com. Or you can join Lisa’s Facebook group. Just search “becoming peaceful” there. So this is what worked for my family -- but there are a lot of other resources out there. Parents can call 211 or go to 211sandiego dot org to find help. And parentsplace dot jfcs dot org has a great list of free remote parenting classes, counseling for kids and more. Pandemic parenting is hard. So get help if you need it. BEAT The Pandemic Pivot pop-up podcast is written, produced and hosted by me, Kinsee Morlan. It’s edited by Alisa Barba. Emily Jankowski is the master of sound design. Lisa Morissette is operations manager. And John Decker is director of programming. Thanks for listening