S1: It's time for Midday Edition on KPBS. Are you looking for love and having trouble finding it here in San Diego ? While you'll want to stay tuned to today's show , which is all about dating in America's finest City. Here's to conversations that keep you informed and inspired and make you think. We'll take you to a speed dating event in North Park.
S2: Dating apps are a boring waste of time , so I wanted to get in real life experience.
S1: I guess people share what they're looking for in a partner. Then two dating coaches join the conversation with the best ways to find connection by becoming the person you're looking for. Plus a few love stories from Gossip Girl and Hillcrest that's ahead on Midday Edition. Welcome in San Diego , it's Jade Hindman. How's your dating life ? Are you tired of the apps ? Well , for today's show , we'll discuss how people are finding love in America's finest city. This is KPBS Midday Edition. Connecting our communities through conversation. It's Wednesday evening at the air conditioned lounge in North Park , and inside the bar everything looks pretty normal. But out on the patio , 17 people shuffle and coordinated rotation. Their speed dating meet Mackenzie Griffin. So yeah.
S3: We were given a link and we were told to give ourselves a description. So I was like green tank top , black pants. Um , and then they're just giving us names and like , their description , and then they're finding us for the dates. They're about like nine minutes each or something like that.
S1: When they hear a ding , it's time to rotate. Ally usage is here at Shuffle Dating for a fourth time.
S4: So now it says find your next date. He's wearing all black with a hat and a watch , so I'll that's who I'll go look for. And it says the date starts in a minute and 45 seconds.
S1: They're not too impressed with San Diego's dating scene. Here's Mackenzie again.
S3: Um , so I just moved to San Diego about a month ago. Um , I've been single for about a year and a half now. Um , I got stood up on a date last weekend , an hour before. So I've just been losing hope a little bit in the dating world , so I figured I should try something new today.
S1: On Midday Edition. It's all about dating and relationships in San Diego and the new options people are turning to. Like this one. Let's hear a little more from our speed daters. Here's Luis Garcia I.
S5: Feel like in San Diego , the dating scene is much more difficult because like cost of living and our like kind of like the hustle kind of culture that we have in these more , uh , coastal areas. Um , I think it makes it much more difficult for certain guys that maybe are more introverted and have trouble connecting with people.
S1: Emily Ross found shuffle dating through an ad online.
S2: Have definitely been thinking that dating apps are a boring waste of time , so I wanted to get in real life. Um , experience. I guess you basically treat dating apps like a game. You get instant gratification , so you get to see the oh pretty swipe. It's a green like heart coming out. Wow , I'm so excited. But it's not it's not real. Like , are they going to message you or are they going to take you out ? No probably not. Is that going to lead anywhere ? No probably not.
S1: Now there is some hope out there. At one point , a couple walks out on the patio not knowing this is a speed dating event.
S6: It's pretty. It's pretty interesting. It's funny because before I thought it was like , you know , speed dating. I was like , oh , they're for sure on their like , this is their first date hinge days , their first hinge date , Tinder date whatever. And then this guy approached me. He was like Anna. And I was like , um , yeah. And then Anna B , I was like , oh no.
S7: Then he turns around and there's another Anna.
S1: Anna Mendoza and Mike Dobbs have been together for about a year. They met on hinge , a dating app.
S6: And it's funny because I was like , if this doesn't work out , I'm over dating apps. Like I'm just going to give up. And yeah , we hit it off. We had a really good time the first date , and we kept hanging out after that.
S1: As the event comes to a close participant dusty , what says the whole thing has left him feeling pretty hopeful.
S8: It's good to know when you're not alone , that there are other people who feel feel the same way. And they're over the apps , too , and they don't buy into that kind of immediate gratification and the swipe culture. And they actually want to meet someone with with a personality and with character and integrity and a heart and someone who's , you know , really has similarities. Things in common really build that real , genuine connection.
S1: Now , if any of the participants both indicate they hit it off on their date , shuffle dating sends along their contact information , and from there they can choose whether to connect on their own.
S8: It's just nice to know that that's out there , that people are out there looking for the same thing you're looking for. It's it's it's restores your faith in , uh , in the universe and in humanity.
S1: So listeners , whether you're looking for the one or you're happily married , stay with us this hour and listen with love. We just visited some hopeful San Diegans at a speed dating event in North Park. And what did we learn there beyond tired of dating apps ? They want alternatives. One comedian has taken matters into her own hands Allison Goldberg. She's bringing her live dating show Love Isn't Blind to San Diego later this week. Here's the premise the men on stage aren't allowed to speak. Then she does things like , you know , call up their moms and go through their phones. But don't worry , it's not a roast show. It's actually really supportive. So here's Allison at a march show in L.A..
S9: He is an associate project scientist in the School of Medicine at UCLA. I know it's ridiculous. We have a professional comedy writer. We've got business , boy. And then. And a scientist. He's also a classical piano player. He likes to cook. He likes hiking , wilderness backpacking , swimming , landscape photography , and.
UU: He enjoys museums. Let's hear it for.
S1: Go , Gabe. And Allison Goldberg joins me now. She's an L.A. based comedian who created and now hosts the show Love Isn't Blind. Allison , welcome to midday.
S9: Thanks for having me.
S1: So glad to have you here.
S9: Um , we can make men stop talking. No , um , there were there was a couple things. First of all , post-pandemic , I really wanted to create something rowdy and in person that got people meeting each other. And dating really lends itself to that. And something I'm really proud of , honestly , is also , there's a lot of couples who come to the show , and I give them a task where they have to help introduce the singles , and just a lot of new friendships are coming out of the show as well. But to be honest , I also created the show because of course , my single girlfriends and I were talking about how men sometimes don't ask questions on dates , and we thought , what if they stopped talking ? Um , they just , you know , there's an there's a bit of an epidemic of men just talking about themselves on dates. But I do want to give a major caveat , which is that , uh , the men who do this show have been absolutely lovely , and it has made me so positive about dating. So the irony is , I created it because of these men who don't stop talking about themselves. Um , but the show has been this , like , amazing community of wonderful singles and has made me so optimistic about the landscape.
S1: That's excellent.
S9: So when I ask people how they hear about the show , it's so often they're like , my friend came last month and told me , I have to come , and it's time and time again , and there's a lot of regulars. And so I'm realizing that in contrast to a traditional tour where you might hit up a ton of cities in a year , um , if I do that , I'm not capitalizing on the word of mouth. So I started popping up to San Francisco , and San Francisco was amazing and super receptive. And now I go there every 4 to 6 weeks. And , you know , I just have a bunch of friends up in the Bay. And so it made sense. But I've been thinking for a while , you know what ? Next ? I want to go to San Diego. It's two hours south of L.A. and I'm really excited about bringing it there , and I'm hoping to make it the next hub for the show. If y'all like me , I would love to come back and keep setting up local singles.
S1: Well , we're here , so I have to know , like , what exactly is happening on stage during the show ? You call their moms and whatnot ? I mean , what all is going on there ? Yeah.
S9: So the first round is a yes or no round. The men can only do thumbs up for yes , thumbs down for no. They're blindfolded. Uh , the comedy comes from the juxtaposition of the questions. I would say it's really not a roast show. Like , I want everyone to feel really comfortable. I want it to be a show for , like , good , nice , normal people. So , uh , I don't want them to be scared or humiliated or anything like that. So the first round is yes or no round ? Second round. I usually have the men do something crafty. I have , I've had them write haikus about the dream date they're going to take the Bachelorette on. I've had them write limericks. Um , which is also fun , because , again , I want it to be a show for , like , nice , smart people. So I give them those kinds of challenges. And then round three , I call their moms , which is an absolute delight. And we get so many different kinds of stories. And something I love is rounds. Rounds one and two can get pretty racy and raunchy. And then we call the moms , and we sometimes get like these heartwarming moments and we get to see these like different flavors. And so it's really fun because it's a comedy show , but it has a lot of it has some serious moments , too. And then the next round I search their phones and , um , yeah , I will say consent matters like guys do. Tell me if there's an app that's off limits , I won't go there. Okay. Um , and I'm not looking to throw anyone under the bus , but yeah , I do search their phones , which is a blast. And then the final round , I joke that we're just testing the straight men's listening skills , and the final two contestants just have to ask the Bachelorette a question based on something they learned about her through the night. And so essentially , we hear the finalists voices.
S1: I mean , has this show been successful ? Have any true love stories come out of it ? Yeah.
S9: So I have a ton of people meeting at the show and going on dates. I have a couple who met on stage who dated for six months , which I , you know , still consider success. And because so many people are meeting in the audience , I have a couple who just got engaged from meeting at the show. So when you enter , you get a wristband based on your relationship status. So green if you're single , red if you're taken. I then task those people with helping b wing people for the night. Um , I give out yellow. If you're confused , then of course the poly people started requesting their own wristbands. So we have poly purple , bisexual blue. We have pride wristbands. So people really are meeting at the show. And I even have a couple here in LA. And I'm trying to work this out in San Diego as well. Here in LA , I have an official wing couple at every show. They wear actual wings and they also help make matches in the audience. So it's a show where people really stay and mingle afterwards as well.
S1: Well , I mean , from , you know , fairly new reality TV shows like Love Is Blind to the classics like the 80s Love connection. I don't know if you remember that one. Um , yeah. It seems people have always gravitated towards dating shows.
S9: And also , there is something so endlessly fascinating about human connection. So my favorite moments on stage are when we realize that the people on stage really do have a lot in common , and you can feel it in the audience when they realize , oh my gosh , The Bachelorette might actually be a really good fit with two of these guys , and who's she going to choose ? And you can feel that energy. And some of my , my favorite unexpected things about the show is that bachelorettes tell me that very often they'll be getting DMs from other women after the show being like , I have to know what happened. Like , are you going on a real date ? So I think , I think it's fun and I think , I think we love , love as a society. You know , there's a reason why why rom coms are tell us all the time.
S1:
S9: But I do hope that we take into the dating world this idea of being kinder. I think screens have really depersonalized everything and it's really easy to ghost or just not treat someone with respect. And I just hope people will be kinder. And on the friendship note , it's like you never know where some of these connections can go. Like , I have a bachelor who was eliminated and then he and The Bachelorette talked at the bar afterwards anyway. And now they've become really close friends and they both independently have come to me and said , this was such an amazing gift because I met this person and they sent me a video of them skiing together this winter , and I was thrilled. And to me , that is a success story. So I know it's kind of a rambling answer , but I just think we need to create community again. Someone you match with , you know , I don't know , someone might not be for you , but maybe they're for your friend , or maybe they're they're going to become your new friend. I just think we need to be much more kind and open minded.
S1: Yeah , there's always something good that can come out of that. Yeah. I've been speaking with Allison Goldberg. She's an L.A. based comedian and host of the live comedy dating show Love Isn't Blind. Alison , thanks for being here.
S9: Thanks for having me.
S1: And her show Love Isn't Blind is coming to Mic Drop Comedy on Thursday the 13th. More details on our website at KPBS. Org. Coming up. Advice on how to find love.
S10: Everybody comes to me looking for the one , and my goal is to help them become the one that they are looking for.
S1: More on that when we return. You're listening to KPBS Midday Edition. Welcome back to KPBS Midday Edition. I'm your host , Jade Hindman. On today's show , we're discussing what it's like to be single and ready to mingle nowadays in San Diego. So far , the conclusion is that folks are frustrated. It feels like , you know , they're slim pickings. People are out of options. So here's KPBS listener Rose Cockerham calling from Chula Vista.
S11: Many people in San Diego are either into clubbing or a bar hopping sports or hiking , and I'm not into any of those activities. It's very hard to find people who are like me quiet , introverted , does not have kids or ever want them , and who desires a loving , committed relationship. It looks like any man who I would be interested in is already taken , or just lives too far.
S1: So far we've talked about dating apps , speed dating , and even a live game show. Some folks are seeking out another solution a dating coach or matchmaker , whatever you want to call it. I'm joined now by two local dating coaches. SoFi singer is a matchmaker and conscious dating coach. Her service is called SoFi love. SoFi. Welcome to Midday Edition.
S10: Thank you so much.
S1: And also here is coach Alex Ray. They are a queer intimacy coach here in San Diego. Alex , welcome to you. Hi.
S12: Hi. Thank you for having me.
S1: So glad to have you both here. So first , you know , let's get this right. In simple terms. What exactly is a dating coach ? SoFi , I'll start with you. Okay.
S10: Okay. Well , a date coach in. In my world , the way I show up as a date coach is really someone who is going to help guide people back to this kind of. Simple way of being their true , authentic human selves in the dating space. I am not here to teach people how to date. This is not a skill really. We just need to find our ways back home into ourselves and how to be human in this space.
S1:
S12: And this often leads to then actually matching with people that really are a good fit , instead of somebody that just seems great at the beginning and fizzles out pretty quick. Yeah.
S13: Yeah.
S1:
S14:
S10: I think , um , in large part I'm just going to point the finger out at technology and dating apps and and it is what it is. People are sitting and staring at their phones , setting parameters and essentially shopping for a partner the same way that they would be shopping on Amazon for a product , looking at appliances , ordering their Starbucks , their mobile Starbucks order. I want this extra hot , tall , this type of milk , all that stuff. Right ? And so what that does is it creates a very transactional evaluative mindset. You're evaluating. You're looking at these profiles not as humans but as data points , heights , locations , photos , occupations. And so essentially this is happening. Everyone's doing it. And then when you finally get on the date itself in real life , it's very hard to make that conscious shift out of your evaluative head into your body and your heart , which is where actual connection happens. And so this is this is just across the board , I would say , the underlying current issue in our dating landscape.
S15: That is.
S1: So interesting.
S12:
S13: With your.
S12: With your assessment. And I would say my kind of twist on it is I think it has a lot to do with , um , the discomfort that we've gotten to avoid through using dating apps because it's just it's very quick. There's none of that kind of nervous moment , uh , meeting somebody out in the wild anymore. And then we get out into the wild and we have that actual in-person conversation like you're talking about , and then people don't know what to do because we've had it so easy , the finding people , the initial meet. But when you actually go to have the conversation a lot of people are not like trained for that because they've gotten to avoid it through technology and , and online interactions.
S1: Well , I tell you what , Tara McGrath , who's one of our listeners , wholeheartedly agrees with what you both said. She called in from the North Park University Heights area. Take a listen to her thoughts.
S16: I'm a therapist , primarily to members of the queer community here in San Diego. And , um , my single clients are mostly frustrated and miserable with the dating scene. Overall , the apps are not great for finding love. I know some people do , but , uh , people really need to give one another more chances to get to know each other then the app culture encourages them to do. It's pretty tough out there , it seems.
S1: And that that's something that you both touched on. I mean , what are your thoughts on what Tara just shared with us ? What is app culture ? What is it encourage ? How does it impact dating ? Break that down for us. Alex , I'll start with you. Sure.
S12: Sure. Well , I think in the queer community , there's also kind of a larger context that , um , we need to be aware of here. And that is that when you are queer , you are unlikely to have grown up in an environment where you had parents that looked or behaved like you. Um , you also were unlikely to have sex education that matched with your identity. And so we've set up a whole population of people without proper , um , education and with , with a lot of shame around who they are and who they're attracted to. And then you , you expect , you know , one. But like , it's people I think expect themselves to be able to dive into the dating scene and the queer community because of a. Prussian and shame has often had this kind of little dark corner where it's like all sexually focused. And so oftentimes queer people are faced with going from one extreme where they have like no knowledge and a lot of shame , and then jumping right into the Olympics of of intimacy. Yeah.
S13: Yeah.
S1: Well , and I also want to interject this into our conversation that , like , not everybody is interested or looking for a serious relationship , and there's nothing wrong with that. But Alex , everyone's got to be on the same page , right ? Yeah.
S12: And I think one of the main things that I work with my clients on is being overly blunt , honest , explicit about what they are looking for. And that has to also start with a lot of inner work that we do together. It's very hard to do , um , all this self-reflection on your own. I have through my life prided myself on being very self-aware. Guess what ? I couldn't do any of this stuff on my own. I worked with my own coach , and he really helped me to actually get really clear on what it is that I wanted , and I enjoy helping other people on that same journey. It's really important to know specifically what you want , what the relationship structure timeline , what you're looking for in a partner. A lot of people don't even. This is the question that blows a lot of my clients minds is how do you define relationship ? They think , oh , well , there's just one definition. There's not. There's so many different definitions of what a relationship is. And we have to start with understanding these basics and then being able to communicate them to someone we're interested in and see if their definitions are an appropriate match for us or not. Hmm.
S13: Hmm. Well , Sophie.
S1:
S10: It is the most important thing. And I would say communication is something that people throw that term around. Just very kind of lackadaisical. I'm a really good communicator. Or they say I'm really authentic. What you see is what you get. And in the work that I do with my clients , in our events , in our workshops , you know , we we utilize and teach this beautiful practice called authentic relating. And it's authentic and it's relating. And I always thought I was so authentic , you know , all the years that I was dating. But you know what ? I was the version that I thought other people were going to accept. And there is showing up as your authentic self and sharing that and revealing it. And then there's this other aspect of relating. There's another person on the other side of your share of who you are and , and we really try to teach our clients these new skills , these practices of , first of all , really connecting with themselves , all the things within themselves they might not have welcomed before revealing those and then staying in connection with the person across from them and saying , how does it feel like you've shared something authentic about yourself ? And instead of just sitting there , how does it feel like ? How are you experiencing this right now ? And so staying in connection is something honestly , I did not even understand until I did this work on myself.
S1:
S10: You you know , everybody comes to me looking for the one , and my goal is to help them become the one that they are looking for. And what that means is , I mean , we utilize psychotherapeutic modalities like internal family systems. It's evidence based. Um , yes. Alex is nodding.
S13: Yeah , I do the same I love it.
S10: Parts work , authentic relating. These are cornerstone practices and modalities that for me are essential to conscious living and conscious relating. And so what that involves is really diving inward and starting to shine a light on the parts of ourselves that we have suppressed , that are hidden away , that we have not welcomed before. And honestly , it's like the moment you start to welcome the parts of you that you did not even want to pay attention to your whole life. It turns into self-love , it turns into self-compassion. And what happens is then you welcome more in others. You're not judging others as much. The more you can welcome within yourself , the more you will welcome in another. And that translates into every relationship in life. Plus , of course , in the dating space. Alex , what are your thoughts ? Um.
S17:
S12: I would just add my word that I am usually exploring with clients is shame. Oh yes. And so fairly frequently people tell me , well , I don't have shame. That's not the issue. And I have never , ever met a human being who doesn't have shame. I've just met people who are aware of their shame and others who are not aware of their shame.
S10: Oh yeah , I love shame so much. I like , I'm like , oh yeah , let's do this.
S12: Yeah , yeah , I have plenty of shame and and the work that I do is all about helping people actually look at that shame , actually connect with it and form a relationship of compassion for themselves.
S1: I mean , I guess it's all about being vulnerable.
S12: I think about a month in maybe a month and a half , and I lasted pretty long , being the perfect housemate and constantly cleaning everything. The dishes were always done , I mean , and I was exhausted and one day I just kind of broke down and I was on the edge of crying and I was like , I can't do this anymore. I am exhausted. And he was like , uh , yeah , I've been waiting for you to give up on that. Like , I really don't care about any of that.
S13: And I.
S12: I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. Can you just be yourself now ? And I was like , oh yeah , I don't have to put on an act. And that's not a healthy relationship. If you do have to keep on an act and you , you aren't yourself. We all know that that fake version , we can't keep up forever. So the sooner that we are ready to let go of it , the better.
S1: And the thing is , is it's not even like it's something that is expected from the person that you're dating. This is something that we that we impose upon ourselves. Right ? Yeah.
S12: And usually I think the narrative in our head is they expect it from me , but usually they haven't actually said that. We just assume it.
S10: Well , I think the assumption comes from our childhoods , this feeling of needing , you know , government talks about this , of always , always a young child will always trade off authenticity for connection and attachment , because it's life or death when you're a baby. And so we learn to do that. We learn to suppress our authentic selves as children. It gets imprinted and just baked into our our nervous system. And that's how we show up as adults. And so that part of you , Alex , that was like , oh , I'm going to keep this house so clean that part of you was really worried that your boyfriend was going to reject you and not want to be with you anymore. And so that part was working so hard , right , to maintain attachment and to , to be loved. And so we see this all the time. I see this all the time in the work with my clients. Right. They show up with these parts up front and center , trying to be a certain way that they had to be before to maintain attachment. Mhm.
S17: Mhm.
S1: Well , I mean , and hey , I can say for myself , when I moved here to San Diego , I didn't meet my husband until I let go of all that stuff and showed up with , you know , being authentic. Like I remember our first date and , you know , typically I would rush home and put a dress on and some heels on and all that. And on this particular day I said , you know what ? I'm going straight from work. And I wore my work clothes. And when I got to the restaurant , I threw my feet up in the chair next to us and got really comfortable and was just my authentic self. He was his authentic self , and we connected on a much deeper level. And so yeah , the rest is history.
S10: Okay , I love that. Can I , can I actually respond to that ? Absolutely. I remember when I met my husband and we've been together for almost 14 years now , actually 14 years this month is when we met. And I remember I used to just aggressively straighten my curly hair for all first dates and second dates and third dates , and then finally I showed up , I think on our third or fourth date with my natural curls , and he looked at me and went , oh my gosh , that is so gorgeous. Please never wear your hair straight again.
S13: Wow , I'm wonderful. And I was.
S10: Like , oh my gosh , I met my husband. I don't have to straighten my hair anymore.
S1: Like he's the one , right ? Right.
S13:
S10: I was really trying though , because that was what I thought was more desirable. More appealing.
S13: Yeah , we.
S1: Do it to ourselves. Go ahead. Alex , I.
S12: Have a similar story. When my boyfriend and I met for our first few dates , I intentionally wore eyeshadow because I am a gender bender. I'm gender fluid , I'm gender non-conforming , and that was something that I had always hid in the beginning when dating. And because masculinity is very seen as superior to femininity all across culture. Not even just the queer. Yeah , the queer culture. But anyway , the first few days I wore that eyeshadow , he didn't say a thing. And by like the third date , I was like , um , by the way , you know , like , I've worn this and I didn't know , like , if it bothered you or whatever , you haven't said anything. Like one way or another he goes , oh , I just really don't care if you like it , wear it. Like , what's the problem ? Can we just hang out again ? Yeah , right.
S13: And it was.
S10: Like this whole thing in your head. Whole thing ? Should I do it , should I not ? Should I keep doing it. How will I. Be loved and accepted. How can I create attachment.
S13: Yeah , right.
S12: But he I was I was like , oh you don't care. Oh my.
S13: Oh yeah I love you. This is special happened there.
S1: I mean well so on that I mean let's leave listeners with some advice here. What would you suggest people do. And people think about the next time they find themselves on a first date.
S10: First of all , um , slow down , take a breath. When you show up , everybody showing up on the dates coming in hot , you know , slow , sit down across from the person and say , can we take a breath like a beat before you just dive into the ping pong of back and forth conversation and don't feel the need to fill the space with words all the time. It's like , take a moment , listen , listen to understand the person. The more you can reveal of yourself , the more there is to connect to , the more connectable you are.
S15: I like that. Alex.
S1: Alex.
S12: I would say get really clear on what it is that you're looking for in a partner and who you are looking to be in the relationship , and list as many of those specific things on your profile. So , for example , I'm a very curious person , so I might list on my profile like , hey , I'm very curious. Tell me about the craziest date you've ever been on as a way to start the conversation. And then also knowing what it is a relationship means to you. Again , having that definition in your head can be really helpful and checking in with that other person what their definition is. And then lastly , this is like a three for right now. Yes.
S13: Yes.
S12: When dating online I love to recommend do a FaceTime call , some kind of video call before meeting in person , because a lot of the time you can weed out people just through that little video call , and then you're not going to feel necessarily as frustrated that you spent all this time , energy and money on a date when you would have known , had you had 15 minutes of a video call with a person , that they weren't really what you were looking for.
S13: I love that.
S1: Yeah , well great advice. This was a really good conversation. You all. I've been speaking with Sophie Singer. She's a matchmaker and a conscious dating coach. Her service is called Sophie. Love , Sophie. Thank you so much.
S10: Thank you so much for having me. This was such a joy. Yeah.
S1: Also , coach Alex Ray , they are a queer intimacy coach here in San Diego. Alex. Thank you.
S12: Thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here today.
S1: Coming up , a local bartender offers her perspective on the challenges of dating , which sometimes means running into regulars.
S18: They all come in the following weekend. Hey , did I see you on Bumble or did I see you on. Absolutely not. No , you did not.
S1: KPBS Midday Edition is back after the break. Welcome back to KPBS Midday Edition. I'm your host , Jade Hindman , as we continue our conversation about dating in San Diego , we wanted to highlight a couple of love stories from Gossip Girl and Hillcrest. Since 2009 , Gossip Girl has served as a vital community space for LGBTQ plus women in San Diego. Midday edition producer Andrew Brackin caught up with Frieda Horton , Gossip Girl's famous bartender , to hear more.
S19: So when I think about a bartender and what their job entails , pouring drinks is just one part of it. Some days I imagine you're a therapist , other days you know you're a shoulder to cry on.
S18: Um , therapy. Absolutely. I'm a therapist every day , not only for our guests , but for , you know , staff and everyone else. You know , I'm. I'm that mom energy. I've seen everything from casual dating to now. The online dating , uh , speed dating , I mean , you name it , I've seen it , and I've witnessed everything for a long time. I used to post a couple of times a year , make sure you're nice to your bartender because we know your wife and your girlfriend. So I've witnessed it all.
S19: You've seen a lot of secrets , I'm sure. So , yeah. Can you can you tell us , do you have a favorite love story or two over those , you know , three decades of bartending ? Absolutely.
S18: Well , of course. Uh , Moe and Don , amazing love story. Uh , that started at our original location. And , you know , they're almost 15 years strong together in their marriage and relationship. And we should.
S19: Note that gossip grills owner Mo Gordon. Yeah. And she met her wife at at the bar. So we actually have a clip from Mo , so we'll just play that right now.
S20: She actually asked me , so where do you go to meet women around here ? She's actually asking the owner of the only women's bar , where do you go to meet women around here , which I found so funny. And then I quickly called her out that , well , it's only 730 , so maybe you need to wait a few hours before everyone gets here.
S19:
S18: I've been there from many first dates. Um , one that really comes to mind and that's still close to my heart is , um , the story of Melissa and Shannon Dove. They own candy pushers in Hillcrest. I was there for their first date. I can tell you when Melissa walked in in her vest and tie and their first date to the theater , and together , you know , they're still together today , having a wonderful little candy shop in Hillcrest and getting , um , the privilege to see their relationship grow and and become what it is now. And that's been great. I actually met my ex-wife at Gossip Girl. Um , we were together for over ten years , you know , and then. But I've witnessed a lot of Romeo and Juliet , and I witnessed a lot of , um , forevers and short times , and and , um , people always find some form of love at gossip. I met the love of my life at gossip. My best friend of the last 15 years. You know , my soulmate. So it's a it's a magical place , and it just brings people into your life at the perfect time. And the universe always kind of delivers for us. And that's one thing I can say that I'm so grateful for what Gossip Girl has provided me and for our community.
S19: Well , on the flip side of all those , you know , beautiful first dates , I also bet you've seen your fair share of heartbreak.
S18: So we are run by our emotions. And just to be there because I too have felt many heartbreaks and disappointments , and you just really have to put yourself into their space and hold space for that heartbreak and let them know you know it's everything is a learning opportunity. You you're not leaving a relationship. You're just leaving this chapter of your novel , and you're going to take everything that you learned in this relationship onto your next. And you really have to be there , because sometimes the the tears are real , you know , and you just really have to be that shoulder to cry on and be compassionate. And like I said , be that mom and , you know , and be their number one cheerleader. Get get back on that horse , you know , and you could do it. More fish in the sea , all of that. And it's , um , there's no heartbreak that hurts more than when you're young. There is nothing worse being young and having your heart broken. But that's what I tell them , because this is one of the steps in your journey this is going to. Make you who you are for what you feel and how you handle this from now on.
S19: Well , and like you said , you know everyone goes through it , right ? I've been telling.
S18: We all go through it.
S19: I'm teaching my young kids about that. I'm like , just so you know , everyone's gonna go through that. Um , like it or not , you can't avoid it. So recently on our show , we spoke with June Thomas. She has a new book about the history of of spaces for LGBTQ+ women , like the history of bars and how important those spaces were and are.
S18: It's where we can come to be ourselves. It's where we can come to identify with other people like ourselves. Because , I mean , coming out is not easy for anyone at any time , at any age , because you're you figure out who you are and you feel a little alone because , you know , society still shuns and looks down and , and you might feel odd or weird or what's wrong with me ? Or , you know , we go through that. I had to , you know , shared one of my coming out stories of going into , um , a lesbian bar in the Pacific Northwest , trying to find that unity and my community. And because I am very hyper femme presenting , I am very straight presenting. I have long nails , I have long hair , I wear makeup , and they kind of shunned me for my appearance. And to them I didn't quite fit their mold of the typical lesbian. So that was very heartbreaking for me because I'm I'm already lost. I'm already questioning myself and who I am and thinking that I was going to go here and find something and then pushed and shunned away. It took me years again to be able to go into a space where I felt comfortable and , um , with God's up opening , I never wanted anyone to come in feeling the way I felt that day. As you know , a young 21 year old woman questioning my sexuality and then being shunned for it. Yeah.
S19: Yeah. And you've been with Gossip Grill since it opened in 2009 , right.
S18: Since the very beginning. Yeah.
S19: Yeah. So. So can you talk to me a little bit more about how , you know , you kind of wanted to make that community space a little bit more welcoming to others that , you know , kind of avoid that experience you had.
S18: Well , absolutely. When when Mo opened gossip , she wanted to make sure we did not identify as a lesbian bar. We identify as a woman's bar. We want to be a safe space , not only for your cis women , but for your trans community as well. She really pushed that into our space , you know , um , that everyone is welcomed here , you know , and that's what we've done. And I can't tell you how many young people have come in. And this is my first gay bar. And I'm like , I'm , oh , I'm. I think I'm straight. I'm like , you can think whatever you want. And we're here if you have questions or if you want to just be here with us , that's fine too , you know ? And now , you know , they're in their relationship with their partner for ten years. You know. And then I have a great regular Yadira. You know , she's I can remember when I used to come in here and tell you I was straight and I said , yeah. And I met her father and , you know , her whole family. And she goes , you knew before I did. I goes , honey , you already knew. You just weren't ready to identify. And that's okay too , because you're here with us now.
S19: So , I mean , we've talked a lot about , you know , your profession and how you've approached that through the years.
S18: I've dated a little bit after my divorce. And , um , you have to realize , like , I'm in my 50s , so most of my dating pool are already in a relationship and settle down and looking , you know , for their silver years or they're actually on their way out of their long term relationship , trying to start anew. And I'll tell you , you know , trying to start these dating apps have not been , um , amazing for me because it's all my customers , all my guests that are on there , you know , and I'll get on there and I'm like , oh , nope , I know them , I know them. Oh , I don't like how they act after a couple of drinks. No. And then I end up deleting the app. And then they all come in the following weekend. Hey , did I see you on Bumble or did I see you on. Absolutely not. No , you did not. Because it's not like , hey , let me set you up with my friend. Those days are over.
S19:
S18: That's pretty much it. And always just be yourself. You don't have to filter yourself up to be represent yourself in a way that doesn't really identify as who you are. You know ? It's just be yourself and love will find you. It always does. It always does.
S1: That was a conversation between Midday Edition producer Andrew Bracken and Frieda Horton. She's a longtime bartender at Gossip Grill in Hillcrest. Before you go , take a listen to this love story from Lori Aitken and Carmel Valley. 20 years ago , she and her husband met in San Diego on Match.com. They've been married for 16 years , but ten years into their marriage , they found a way to keep that spark alive.
S21: We learned improv comedy by taking weekly classes together at Finest City Improv , and now we performed together on a team. When you and your old partner learn something new together , you can't help but feel renewed excitement about the relationship. We cherish our weekly date night and how together we make others laugh.
S1: Oh , that is wonderful ! Hey , if you missed anything , you can download KPBS Midday Edition on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to watch Evening Edition tonight at five for in-depth reporting on San Diego issues. I'm Jade Hindman. Thanks for listening.
