S1: It's time for Midday Edition on KPBS for our final show of the year. The Midday Edition team takes a look back at some of our favorite conversations from 2024. I'm Andrew Bracken with conversations that keep you informed , inspired , and make you think. 2024 has been an eventful year , and we wanted to share some memorable conversations from it , including one on what fatherhood means today. Finding ways to connect with other dads. To have a sense of community in terms of what you're dealing with , the joys as well as the struggles is pretty tricky. Then we'll hear from three local drag queens about what performing means to them , and finding love can be hard. We hear back to a conversation from our dating show. That's all ahead in Midday edition. As 2024 winds down , we here at Midday Edition wanted to take a look back at the year and share some of our favorite episodes. We call it Midday Wrapped. I'm Midday Edition producer , roundtable host , and producer Andrew Bracken. I'm joined today by Midday Edition producers Giuliana Domingo and Ashley Rush. Hey , happy New Year ! Glad we made it to the end of the year.
S2: Right ? Happy new year , Andrew.
S3: Happy new year.
S1: So it's been quite a year. And before delving into some of our favorite episodes , I guess maybe we can start by telling people a little bit about what a producer does. Exactly. On midday. What do you normally tell people actually when you get that question ? Yeah.
S2: So I mean , I think the easiest way to explain it is you're doing like all the behind the scenes stuff , everything besides hosting and actually running the soundboard. So that's pitching story ideas , finding and pre interviewing guests , scripting questions and intros and editing audio to make sure it's all good to air. And it's a really cool job. I always get excited talking about it because you get to learn something new every day and talk to really passionate people. You know , one day you're looking into local ballot measures in San Diego , the next you're going ghost hunting. Totally.
S1: Totally. Like a lot of different stuff. Covers like the gamut.
S3: I feel like that's what we do kind of every day for our show , for midday. And as someone who grew up in San Diego and , uh , works in San Diego news now , I feel like I've learned so much about , you know , my community and where I live. And I feel like that's kind of the biggest , you know , draw for me as a producer and just right , like Ashley said , getting to connect with such passionate people and have these really important conversations , but also really fun conversations sometimes. So that's usually what I tell folks. And , you know , being a producer comes with its perks. Um , but it's also , um , you know , a challenging task to , to kind of try to put those puzzle pieces together every day. But I think a very rewarding one ultimately.
S1: Yeah , definitely. And I think one thing that jumps out to me is a lot of the story ideas come from things that are very personal to each of us. And that leads me to my pick for the year , for Father's Day. Earlier this year in June , we had a show on fatherhood , and it delved into some of the unique challenges that come from fatherhood , how it's changed over the years and generations. And , you know , it obviously is meaningful to me , myself as a father. And on that show , we had San Diego psychologist Daniel Singly , along with a recent father , Aldrin Lumbers and Aaron West , who's he's a father , but he's also a facilitator with the dad core program from San Diego nonprofit Sei San Diego. And the conversation , you know , covered a lot on men's mental health and and loneliness , which is , you know , become a big problem for for people of all ages , but especially like middle aged men , I think , you know , have have struggled with increased loneliness , and it was a conversation that just resonated with me. And in this clip that that I chose here , Midday Edition host Jade Heinemann asks the panel how fathers can you know better ? Find connection with other dads. It is hard.
S4: To meet other grown men. Like there's an SNL skit about about the Man Park and their partners taking him there , and kind of like putting him in this confined space and being like , hey , go talk to him. You like video game ? You know , like , it's funny because it's true. Um , you know , the U.S. surgeon General released a report on on the epidemic of loneliness. And middle aged men are some of the most isolated people in the country in that sense. And it gets worse and worse when these are factoring in , you know , different kinds of abilities or men of color or STDs and so forth. But the prospect of developing new friendships or deepening existing friendships brings fathers and men in general. Up against some important aspects of the bro code. You know , if you act like you like somebody and you want to know more deeply , well , then all of a sudden you're needy or , you know , there's something about you that , you know , you're just kind of clingy. And the reality is that fathers , right , when they start having babies , tend to have fewer and fewer opportunities to connect to people. The irony is that having a baby and having a toddler , there are all these opportunities. Like JD were saying , your your husband goes to the park and like chats with these all other with all these other dads , but they don't necessarily exchange information. Right. We'll think about what like pulling digits from another dude means in terms of awkwardness or or anxiety. On the face of it , it's totally natural. It's cool. Okay , we can go to a park sometime and like , take our babies. But the men that I work with. Certainly in our practice , that's a that's a pretty tall mountain because , you know , bro , dating and finding other guys to connect with. You're flying in the face of some pretty rigid , traditional aspects of masculinity. The problem is it's totally healthy. And so I encourage all these dads to do it. Yeah.
S5: Yeah.
S6: A lot of times you can see as you get older the way that children were were reared , how they engage with other people , how they pick their partners , how they date other people. And so that's something I really try to pay attention to , especially having three girls. And you can often see , you know , just in children about how they get upset with , um , with tantrums. Right ? Do they throw things , do you throw things right when they get upset ? Do they demonstrate or mirror how you get upset ? Right. So those are the things that you really want to be cognitive of. So I think that , you know , um , me being a 32 year old man now , um , I had the pleasure of meeting my dad at 28. Right. So I missed all of that stuff with him. But now I'm able to have that relationship with him. But growing up , I know that I needed him to affirm me. Right. And so after all these years , now I do have that from him. Now I do have that relationship with him. So I definitely think that who you grow up with , who you expose your children to , or who you expose your children with it , it makes a great indicator for the future , right ? And just who you are as a person , right ? Um , one of the dads in our program , he actually bought his dad. So he was a new dad that I had never happened before. Uh , a father brought his father to the class , and when he told us was that , he said , hopefully you're raising someone that you will want to be friends with. Hopefully you're raising someone that you will want to want to have a relationship with as an adult. Right. And that kind of struck me because I was like , man , wow. You know , I hope that I am raising people that I want to be friends with in the future. So that's my take on , um , on that question.
S5:
S7: Like , I understand why he did everything that he did. For example , my dad was trying to introduce me into a lot of baseball because my dad was a big baseball fan. So he would get me baseball cards , put baseball player posters in my room. But I wasn't into baseball like , so I was I didn't find it very exciting or anything. And so I kept wondering why why he just kept doing this , and he kept trying to expose it to me. It wasn't clicking. And now when I have a son , like , say , oh , here are the things I like. I want to show you everything that I like so you can like you too. And that's when it clicked , like , oh , my dad just wants to share something with me. And so sure , it didn't work , but it was out of the goodness of his heart where he thought , okay , well , maybe we can share something together. You know , this didn't work , but there will be other things and other opportunities later in life. So I appreciate what my dad was trying to do.
S5:
S4: I see a lot of dads who they either didn't have a dad around and or the father or father figures that they did have around had some problems in areas of difficult. It's called father hunger. If you ask somebody , hey , what did your own father or father figure do that you want to to emulate as a dad ? If the answer is nothing or I want to do everything different than than what was done for me , it's called Father Hunger. And some of these dads have real deep seated questions about kind of like I'm damaged goods , like , look what I had as the model. So I'm at some level believing I'm not going to be able to be a good dad. And that is not true. We all experience our own family cultures , which can include difficult experiences or traumas. But what I want folks to understand is that , sure , we might. We might grow up , then jump into relationships that are about us trying to fix some of the issues that that we experienced in relationships when we were little. If you didn't have the most positive experience with your own father or father figure , that doesn't mean that you don't have a lot to offer your parent and your baby. And I , I just strongly encourage dads to be involved , and what that looks like in your family can be very , very different from what it looks like next door or what it looked like in your own childhood. It's the only thing I stand on , like as a dad , don't be uninvolved.
S5: And you mentioned Father Hunger.
S8:
S4: Hunger derives from the sense that either I didn't have this father or I didn't have the father that I wanted. Um , and or my father may have been a source of some , some kind of trauma for me and , and as as young people , as children. We internalize that. And as I say , it can either be something where I absorb that and say like , okay , well , that's that's the father identity that I might enact intentionally or unconsciously , or I might react completely against that. And part of what I find interesting about this is oftentimes when you when you start looking at this kind of multi-generational experience , a lot of it is under the radar. A lot of it is subconscious. And so that sense of , well , my father or father figure really did not enact the kind of fatherhood that I want to. And go along with a pretty deep seated belief that , well , if I'm about to be a father , I'm going to be a bad one. And that can cause some of these dads to to pull back and to not be engaged and involved , which can be very confusing given the expectation today generally , that that fathers will be more involved than , than they have been in the past.
S5: Well , Aaron , you mentioned earlier that you didn't meet your own father until later in life. Tell me more about how that shaped your approach to fatherhood.
S6: Well , you know , I'd actually never heard that term. Like Dan , um , alluded to earlier , as far as Father Hunger , 100%. Uh , I was I was hungry for my father. I was hungry for answers. I was hungry for him to be there. But , um , you know , um , he wasn't right. And so , uh , you know , things happen. Things happen. I think when I met , when I met him , he was more nervous of what I thought of him than I was of what I thought of him , if that makes sense. Right. And so this was before I started the program and everything. I just told him like , hey , man , you know what ? Like , let's let me meet you where you are because I don't have any expectations , right ? I'm I'm not looking for a check. Like , you know , I'm not looking I'm not looking to be to be mean or to blame you for anything. I just I just want a relationship , you know ? Like , do you like sports ? Do you like to cook ? Do you ? What do you like to do ? Like what ? Can we what can we do ? Like to participate one another. Right. And so we did that. And I think that was the best thing. That was the best thing for our relationship were for me to really meet him where he was. And I think what really helped is that , you know , it was the 90s , right ? There was there was there was no bad blood between him and my mom. You know , things just happened. And so , um , you know , with that being said , it kind of took a lot of pressure off of him. And so I think the biggest thing that I took from it when I approach fatherhood is , is that I want to be there. I want to make sure that I'm making the breakfast , I'm taking the kids to school , I'm picking them up , I'm fully engaged and everything that they do. So if anything , it just made me really want to be the best father that I could be. Um , to hopefully stop that , uh , that generational curse , in my opinion , from ever , you know , proceeding. But I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change the thing. I think the the main thing that I missed out on is my siblings. Right ? Not being able to grow with them and , and have that camaraderie with them. But you know , I have it now and I start wearing my I'm night right now. I have more in my future than I have in my past. So you know that that's also something that I work on with my dads , because I do work with dads , have been incarcerated for a really long time , or dads that have never been in their children's lives. And I just tell them like , hey , man , you know , just meet your kids where they are , don't have expectations , lead with love , you know what I mean ? And then the chips will fall where they may because you just never know what they're expecting from you , right ? So just just stand up. Just be a man and be a father and and keep going.
S2: Well , what a great conversation , Andrew. Um , you know , really vulnerable and emotional too. To bring to our listeners , I know a lot of people reached out and really appreciated hearing that on the air. Um , I especially loved when Aaron said , hopefully you're raising someone you want to be friends with. I think about that a lot because I'm lucky to have such a strong friendship with my dad now that I'm an adult. We're even closer now , actually , than when I was little. It's really special.
S1: It's really interesting because that's something like I'm going through having young kids and , you know , it's like kids change so much. So someone that you knew two years ago , exactly two years later , they're very different and your relationship inevitably goes through all these changes. Um , Giuliana , what ? I mean , what are your thoughts on that ? Yeah.
S3: I mean , I liked how Dan emphasized , you know , that being involved as a dad can look really different from family to family because. Right , it depends on so many different factors , and it manifests in all types of ways , especially depending on your culture. Um , I like to say like , Ashley , I'm pretty close with my dad , but he also does a lot of little things for me. So , um , he does this thing if , you know , if I tell him this certain kind of cookies or whatever. If I like him , like , he'll get me , like , three tins of the same kind of cookie , um , the next day. And so even small things like that make me feel really seen and loved and , um , like , he's a part of my life. So , I mean , I think that really helps our relationship , just even those small gestures. And to your point , Andrew , I feel like our relationship has also evolved. Um , kind of like with age , right ? So I just think that conversation , like , even as a daughter was , like , enlightening , so.
S1: Well , that's great. I mean , because for me , again , you know , I'm so centered in this , this , you know , fatherhood life and just resonated so , so deeply with me. But it's nice that it kind of connects with you all as well. Um , and I think , you know , I think there's a lot more to talk about when it comes to masculinity today. Um , you know , fatherhood , men's mental health , all this stuff. So , so hopefully we can have more conversations about it , you know , going forward in 2025 for sure. We'll be right back to discuss Juliana's favorite midday segment from the year. Stay tuned. You're listening to Midday Edition. I'm Andrew Bracken in for Jade Hyneman. Today we're taking a listen back to a few of our favorite conversations from 2024. I'm here with Midday Edition producers Giuliana Domingo and Ashley Rush. So , Giuliana , I want to hear about your favorite show.
S3: So we aired it as part of our Thursday Arts and culture show. And with it being Pride Week that week , I thought it'd be a cool opportunity to , you know , talk about drag and just kind of like dig into the art form behind it. Yeah , it was such.
S1: A cool way to kind of talk about pride. Usually we try to do , you know , have a show or two on pride as that week kind of really takes over the city.
S3: And so that was something I really wanted to dig into more. Also , being a fan of RuPaul's Drag Race , obviously it was something I wanted to talk about and also kind of see what , you know , what our community has to offer in terms of drag. And there's so many queens kind of across the region. And so I thought it would be just a really cool opportunity to highlight that. I also wanted to talk about how these queens got their start in the scene , and I think drag has just really cemented itself in the mainstream and in pop culture. I think to like Chapel Row and for example , who's like really blown up and she's really inspired by drag queens and she really gives them their flowers. She's had like a couple of drag queens perform at her shows. And so I just thought , you know , there's just so many different intersections in terms of like , how drag queens not only entertain and perform , but they're also activists and their communities. And I just thought that was really cool. And so I wanted to kind of dig into that conversation and also highlight , because I remember that week there were a couple of performances by drag queens at pride , so I thought it'd just be like a cool way to kind of tie all of that together.
S2: I actually got to be here for this taping. It was really fun , such a good interview. And I remember the guests all walking in the studio and they were all dressed in drag. That was super cool to know. Definitely.
S3: Definitely. And I mean , I wasn't expecting it at all too. I just like had them come in and then I the moment that they stepped into the building , I feel like I was in awe because they were all glammed up and they were all in like full drag. And it was honestly my dream come true. Being a fan of drag like to see that and like be able to do that for work , like have drag queens come in for work and just like talk about their art and their activism and everything. So I was just kind of in awe , and I was so excited to have them join us and just highlight the drag community here. And yeah , they just brought an energy into the studio. And I'm sure as you'll hear in the interview , it was just so palpable. And I hope our listeners can also feel that.
S1: So , Giuliana , who are we about to hear from here in this clip ? Yeah.
S3: So I mentioned , like I mentioned , we had three lovely queens come in. Our first guest was Alexis Gabrielle , who was this year's Miss San Diego Pride , also 2D Thomas , the show director at lips , which is a drag show palace in San Diego , and Lolita Von Teese , who is a performer with lips. Um , so we had our host , Jayde , ask about how drag has really found its place in the mainstream and what that means to our guests. So take a listen.
S5: So , I mean , drag is big for a whole new generation because of shows like RuPaul's Drag Race pose. Can you talk more about that ? Absolutely.
S9: I love how present it is in current pop culture. I think that most people need to experience drag , and I think that if someone is wanting to try it out , I think that they absolutely should , because for me at least , I found myself in a way that I never would have if I didn't have drag because I didn't think of myself as a performer or an entertainer before I started doing it. I was too shy. I didn't think that I was able to , and then when I put everything on , I was like , oh , that's that's what's supposed to happen.
S10: You know , so much of our , our early years as kids being gay , you know , in a family structure and a church structure , whatever. You are constantly told , you're too flamboyant , you're too feminine , you're too this. But drag allows you to do that unbridled , you know , and so it really comes out. And I think this is interesting. Also , Alexis and I have never talked about this , but we're both in recovery. And I think that that also has taken off some of the shackles that we take on as kids and young adults. And so. Right.
S5: Right. Well , Alexis , tell me about that.
S11: Yeah , I used to see I'm from Dallas originally and Dallas , Texas , and I used to go to the clubs and see the , the dancers , the , um , the drag queens. And I used to think like , oh my God , they must be super rich for all of the , you know , the diamonds and everything. They make it really big. But like I said earlier , I'm not a seasoned as the ladies here , but I am in recovery and being on stage like I notice what the anxiety can be like. And sometimes I get in my head watching the other girls and they say , don't compare yourself to the other entertainers or whatever because you bring something different. But , um , to do the the entertaining in a sober state of mind for me is like super empowering because of the fact that I have actually just tapped into my natural crazy side , and I've just let that spill out into into a crowd and it's very amazing. It's actually that's been my most empowering moment in drag. Wow.
S5: And I mean , I guess when now that you're in recovery , you can sort of feel the full spectrum of emotions , absolutely that you have when when performing from remember them.
S10: Yeah , that's the other thing. You know , she mentioned that you're letting this spill out before. We were just spilling drinks , you know , now we are out there. I mean , I sat at a table with , um , Elton John and , uh , Alan Carr , who produced grease and passed out right there at the table. I mean , what a missed opportunity. I could have , you know , so.
S5: Oh my goodness. Well , that's that's excellent. I mean , like from anxiety to the adrenaline rush. Yes. You feel that.
S11: I feel. When I came to San Diego , it opened a door as like , um , when I'm at 2D , I was working , like , doing volunteer work for Take What You need at at a fair and 44 and we were giving out food. I noticed the people that were there were just ordinary people just like me , but then they had an alternate ego , like another person was in there. And then I noticed that they , you know , I realized that they were drag queens , and I was like , oh my God. And it totally like made me see people in a different way. And I've had lunch with Tootie , and I shared with her that , like , people can turn pages in your book , like sometimes they just see the cover , but when they turn the pages in your book , there's more to that individual. As for 2D , she's got like a like her story goes on and on and on , but it lets you know , like an insight as to where their where their minds mines are , where their hearts lay , and it's just given me a different perspective as to what a drag queen can do and how they can affect people.
S5: Yeah , and the Leda drag is really cementing its place in the mainstream.
S9: And my whole thing is you don't need to understand it to enjoy it , because at the end of the day , we're not doing anyone harm. We're just trying to make everyone stay a little bit better. Like I said , provide a little bit of an escape.
S5: You're this year's miss Gay pride , as we mentioned.
S11: We have a recovery village area for people that are in recovery and those that have questions about recovery. Sometimes they the people that are that have been sober for several years or maybe months , attend pride , and then they may feel overwhelmed by what's going on around them. And we have created a safe space here at pride for those people and anyone that is wondering what we do to come in and get more knowledge about our services.
S5: Well , talk to me about why recovery is so necessary within the community. It's necessary for anybody , but there seems to be a focus on it for this , this year's pride.
S11: Speaking from my personal experience , I feel that I was judged quite a bit by my drinking in the past and misbehaving. I feel that with the fentanyl crisis and all those things that have been going on within the last couple of years , it's rather scary to see people out on the street and to clean up our city and make these resources available to them. I feel , um , that's a wonderful thing to put in front and to let others know , like , hey , there is a way to recover and San Diego gives you that opportunity. The opportunities are there. I feel that San Diego opened a door to have me redesign myself and be accountable for myself and have a way about myself , and they say , you know , pride. What is pride ? Will ? Pride to me is how I come out to the community on a daily basis. And with recovery , I just feel that it's just opening a door for people to to change the toxicity of even a relationship or alcohol and drug abuse. I just happen to be one of those people that have recovered from that. I have five years. And yeah , like right now it's a little nurturing because I'm like in my feeling and usually before , like I'd have a conversation like this morning instead of coffee , I would have had alcohol and probably a joint. But it's the choices that I make from from day 1 in 1921 , 2019. The decisions that I've made from 2019 to 2024 have molded me into a different person , and I never thought I'd have this experience to sit in a podcast to do things for the community. And sobriety has brought that to the table for me.
S12: I was gonna say , you look.
S10: Good , girl , if you started in 1920. day. You are still working them heels , girl.
S11: Well , San Diego has great doctors.
S5: Uh , well , I appreciate you sharing that.
S10: When I ask at the beginning of a show at lips , how many people haven't been to a drag show before ? It's normally 15 or 20 people you know , out of a room of 170. And when you ask how many people haven't been to lips , it is three quarters of the crowd have not been there. So it's just so like there's so much enthusiasm about it.
S1: What jumps out to me about listening back to that conversation , Giuliana , is , you know , how a lot of these conversations have become very multi-layered. You know , it's obviously about drag queens , and they really do a great job describing why it's important and what you know. I love that , you know , you don't have to understand it to enjoy it , and just the joy they get from it , from exploring those alternate egos. But there's a real serious conversation about recovery in there that I , you know , I just found really interesting and insightful.
S3: Yeah , definitely. I mean , that's what really resonated with me in the conversation , right ? Like all these different issues are intersecting , right ? But it's also about how drag has personally impacted and empowered them. And I think that was really powerful to hear. And also kind of going back to what Ashley said earlier about just talking to really passionate people and hearing about what goes behind their craft and their artistry and just , you know , why they do what they do in the community. I think that's kind of why I love this job and just having this opportunity to produce these conversations. So , no , totally.
S1: I mean , there's nothing like just hearing someone that's passionate about what they do , whether it's farming or , you know , like playing music or , you know , doing like being a drag queen. When we come back , Ashlee shares her favorite episode from the year , and we talk about some other 2024 favorites. That's ahead on Midday Edition. You're listening to Midday Edition. I'm Andrew Bracken in for Jade Heinemann. I'm joined by Midday Edition producers Giuliana Domingo and Ashley Rush. We're talking about some of our favorite episodes from the year. And you just heard Juliana's pick mine a little earlier. Okay , Ashley , you're up. Tell us about the episode you chose. Okay.
S2: Okay. I'm really excited to talk about this one. You know , we cover a lot of serious pressing issues on Midday Edition , but that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun , too. So I have to confess that I have an affinity for reality dating shows. Ever since Love Is Blind first got me hooked back in 2020. Um , and when I moved to San Diego in February of this year , I kept hearing from friends and roommates about this horrible dating scene here in San Diego , and I wanted to find out how true that was and if it was what people were doing about it.
S3: And I know you actually went out in the field for this one , right ? I remember you invited me and I couldn't go , and I was really bummed.
S2: I was bummed. I was bummed about that too. No , but yes , I did go in the fields and that was the coolest part. It was my first time doing this for Midday Edition , actually , so I'm really lucky that my team let me go do this. I actually got in touch with a local speed dating group , shout out Shuffle Dating , and they let me attend one of their events at the air conditioned lounge in North Park. So I sat there with my radio mic and I felt like a true reality TV producer. Participants were , you know , coming up to me in between their small little dates for interviews , um , and kind of confessing how they went , who they liked , who they didn't like. And I actually made some friends. It was really fun. And the best part of this was actually when a real life couple walked out onto the patio of this North Park bar , not knowing it was a speed dating event , and because there was no host assigned to this event , I felt like I was now responsible for welcoming them to to this thing. So I walked over to them and I interviewed them and even put them on the air.
S1: I mean , my the funniest image I have from that , from you , you know , being there with the mic is somebody going into that dating event for the first time and maybe being a little nervous and then seeing you with a giant mic just being like , can I interview you ? It kind of be like my worst nightmare , probably. No.
S2: No. And it's so funny because those mics are so big and where it was , like , not inconspicuous. I had to tell everyone , don't be alarmed by this. It was fun to see who was willing to come up to me and who was specifically avoiding me. Yeah. Um , it was fun.
S1: And I also remember for that show , we talked to a local bartender , and it just was like a really cool conversation. Her name was Frieda Horton. She's a bartender at Gossip Grill , and that's like this famous LGBTQ+ friendly bar in Hillcrest. And , you know , she talked to us about her unique perspective on relationships. And I just thought it was like , such a great way to kind of tie the conversation together because , like , who else better to talk about love and relationships and broken hearts than a bartender , you know ? No.
S2: Exactly. She's seen it all. I mean , I loved that one. Frida was one of probably my favorite guests I've ever booked. I felt so lucky to find her through , like , word of mouth to. She's such a sweet person with so much love to give. And she had some really good advice too. So here , take a listen.
S13: It's just be yourself and love will find you. It always does. It always does.
S2: You know , the bulk of this episode was this really thoughtful conversation between Jade and these two local dating coaches , Sophie Singer and Alex Rae. My favorite part was when Jade asked the coaches how embracing vulnerability has shaped their own relationships.
S14: One of my favorite examples Samples from when my boyfriend and I moved in together. I think about a month in maybe a month and a half , and I lasted pretty long , being the perfect housemate and constantly cleaning everything. The dishes were always done , I mean , and I was exhausted and one day I just kind of broke down and I was on the edge of crying and I was like , I can't do this anymore , I am exhausted. And he was like , yeah , I've been waiting for you to give up on that. Like , I really don't care about any of that. And I. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. Can you just be yourself now ? And I was like , oh yeah , I don't have to put on an act. And that's not a healthy relationship. If you do have to keep on an act and you , you aren't yourself. We all know that that fake version , we can't keep up forever. So the sooner that we are ready to let go of it , the batter.
S5: And the thing is , is it's not even like it's something that is expected from the person that you're dating. This is something that we that we impose upon ourselves. Right ? Yeah.
S14: And usually I think the narrative in our head is they expect it from me , but usually they haven't actually said that. We just assume it.
S15: Well , I think the assumption comes from our childhoods , this feeling of needing , you know , government talks about this of always , always a young child will always trade off authenticity for connection and attachment , because it's life or death when you're a baby. And so we learn to do that. We learn to suppress our authentic selves as children. It gets imprinted and just baked into our our nervous system. And that's how we show up as adults. And so that part of you , Alex , that was like , oh , I'm gonna keep this house so clean. That part of you was really worried that your boyfriend Friend was going to reject you and not want to be with you anymore. And so that part was working so hard , right , to maintain attachment and to to be loved. And so we see this all the time. I see this all the time in the work with my clients. Right. They show up with these parts up front and center , trying to be a certain way that they had to be before to maintain attachment. Mhm.
S16: Mhm.
S5: Well I mean , and hey , I can say for myself , when I moved here to San Diego , I didn't meet my husband until I'd let go of all that stuff and showed up with , you know , being authentic. Like I remember our first date and , you know , typically I would rush home and put a dress on and some heels on and all that. And on this particular day I said , you know what ? I'm going straight from work. And I wore my work clothes. And when I got to the restaurant , I threw my feet up in the chair next to us and got really comfortable and was just my authentic self. He was his authentic self and we connected on a much deeper level. And so yeah , the rest is history.
S15: Okay , I love that. Can I , can I actually respond to that ? Absolutely. I remember when I met my husband and we've been together for almost 14 years now , actually 14 years this month is when we met. And I remember I used to just aggressively straighten my curly hair for all first dates and second dates and third dates , and then finally I showed up , I think on our third or fourth date with my natural curls , and he looked at me and went , oh my gosh , that is so gorgeous. Please never wear your hair straight again. Wow , wonderful. And I was like , oh my gosh , I met my husband. I don't have to straighten my hair anymore.
S5: Like he's the one , right ? Right.
S15: I was really trying though because that was what I thought was more desirable. More appealing.
S5: Yeah , we do it to ourselves. Go ahead. Alex , I.
S14: Have a similar story. When my boyfriend and I met for our first few dates , I intentionally wore eyeshadow because I am a gender bender. I'm gender fluid , I'm gender non-conforming , and that was something that I had always hid in the beginning when dating. And because masculinity is very seen as superior to femininity all across culture. Not even just the queer. Yeah , the queer culture. But anyway , the first few days I wore that eyeshadow , he didn't say a thing. And by like the third date , I was like , um , by the way , you know , like , I've worn this and I didn't know , like , if it bothered you or whatever , you haven't said anything. Like one way or another he goes , oh , I just really don't care if you like it , wear it. Like , what's the problem ? Can we just hang out again ? Yeah. Right.
S15: And it was like this whole thing in your head. Whole thing ? Should I do it should I not ? Should I keep doing it ? How will I be loved and accepted ? How can I create attachment ? Yeah. Right.
S14: But I was someone. I was like , oh , you don't care. Oh my.
S17: Oh yeah , I love you. This is special happened there are I mean.
S5: Well so on that I mean let's leave listeners with some advice here. What would you suggest people do ? And people think about the next time they find themselves on a first date.
S15: First of all , um , slow down , take a breath. When you show up , everybody showing up on the dates coming in hot , you know , slow , sit down across from the person and say , can we take a breath like a beat before you just dive into the ping pong of back and forth conversation and don't feel the need to fill the space with words all the time ? It's like , take a moment , listen , listen to understand the person. The more you can reveal of yourself , the more there is to connect to , the more connectable you are.
S18: I like that , Alex.
S14: I would say get really clear on what it is that you're looking for in a partner and who you are looking to be in the relationship , and list as many of those specific things on your profile. So , for example , I'm a very curious person , so I might list on my profile like , hey , I'm very curious. Tell me about the craziest date you've ever been on as a way to start the conversation. And then also knowing what it is a relationship means to you. Again , having that definition in your head can be really helpful and checking in with that other person what their definition is. And then lastly , this is like a three for right ? Yes. When dating online I love to recommend do a FaceTime call some kind of video call before meeting in person , because a lot of the time you can weed out people just through that little video call , and then you're not going to feel necessarily as frustrated that you spent all this time , energy and money on a date when you would have known how you had 15 minutes of a video call with a person that they weren't really what you were looking for.
S1: Such a great conversation there , and I love how everyone told the story of how they met their partners , including Jade.
S2: Yeah , no. That was one of my favorite parts. The whole episode was a lot of fun and it took me to some really unexpected places. Even a live dating show where the men aren't allowed to speak. That was very interesting. Um , but in all seriousness , the show , you know , really spoke to the universal experiences of love and loss. Those are the stories that really resonate with me , I think , in so many others.
S1: So I have to ask. I may have asked Frida the bartender , a similar question actually , when we spoke with her , but Ashley , are you more or less optimistic about love after having worked on this episode.
S2: It's a good question. I won't reveal too much about myself. Um , but I have to say , in general , yes , I am more optimistic in each of the , you know , segments I worked on , I , I left feeling more hopeful because everyone had at least found a friend or some sort of platonic love. Um , through these fun experiences , you know , even at the speed dating show , I ended up sitting with all the girls at the end and we were all just joking around and having a good time. Um , but , you know , I've learned through this episode and also another one that you actually hosted , Andrew , about dating in your older age. Um , that love comes in many different shapes and sizes. It can be found at any age , in any setting , not just San Diego. And so I do have to say that I think I am more optimistic after working on this episode and after meeting all the incredible people in this , in this conversation.
S1: So , I mean , I don't know about all of you. It was really hard to choose , you know , one episode , one conversation to highlight here , and I just wanted to give each of you a moment or two to kind of talk about some other ones. I mean , music , Giuliana also kind of tends to produce some really good segments , especially for our Thursday arts and culture shows.
S3: Um , we actually had Tiny Desk senior producer Bobby Carter on a talk about , um , you know , Tiny Desks role in the music scene now , and also what they had lined up for the month. And we've also had him on previously about to talk about the 50th anniversary of hip hop. And he's just always so great to talk about just the music industry. And , you know , to get that behind the scenes look about , um , behind the scenes look at , you know , tiny desks , kind of viral moments and what really goes into creating these concerts. So , yeah , so part of that conversation with Bobby was just about how Tiny Desk has highlighted and elevated so many great black artists , both up and coming and established , and it was also an all female lineup. So Tems , Chaka Khan , SWV , Flo , Millie , I mean , it was just really about giving them their flowers or that's what Bobby said. And I think what's so fun about these episodes is just mixing and choosing these clubs , you know ? So Jada and I , we got to play some of our favorites , like favorite segments from the Tiny Desk concerts. Chaka Khan was definitely a standout for both of us , and I just think Tiny Desk is doing some amazing work and has built this incredibly diverse audience. And everyone in my circle is a fan. And , you know , the latest Tiny Desk concert is always like a topic of conversation for me and my friends. So , um , that's one that really stands out. But I just think , um , radio obviously is the perfect avenue to play music and to highlight both local and artists just kind of across the country and , you know , just talk about our love for music so.
S1: Well , this has been so fun to kind of , you know , catch up on some of the segments. We often joke about how I feel like we do so many interviews and conversations over the year that it's easy just to lose track of them and forget them the next week. And it's just cool to kind of take a look back with both of you. So that'll do it for midday wrapped for 2024. And thank you guys both for working on the show with me , Ashley and Giuliana and happy New Year.
S2: Happy New year , Andrew. Thank you. This was so fun.
S1: That'll do it for our show today and for the year. We want to thank you for sharing part of your day with us here on midday. To hear the complete episodes we shared on the show today , as well as all the others you can find KPBS Midday Edition wherever you listen to podcasts. We'll be back on Thursday talking about some outdoor New Year's resolutions in our weekly arts and culture show. I'm Andrew Bracken , wishing you a safe and happy New Year.
