Allan Nakkash is a 36-year-old La Mesa storekeeper and first-generation Iraqi American. Growing up, he never talked about issues relating to race and ethnicity with his family.
“My parents never talked about race and I can see it from their perspective,” he said. “They're trying to acclimate to a place that is brand new to them and they want to fit in.”
These days Nakkash loves to talk with people about what they think, but, like many of us, he’s noticed that over the past few years having conversations about polarizing topics like racial justice have become more difficult.
It’s because of this reality that he jumped at the chance to take part in KPBS’ “Let’s talk about it,” an ongoing series where we answer San Diegans questions about race and equity with the help of local experts.
Nakkash’s question is one that vexes many of us, namely:
How can we have a conversation and not let it get to someplace extreme? How do we keep someone's focus?
To help us answer this question, we reached out to Setche Kwamu-Nana, who facilitates discussions revolving around diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) for the National Conflict Resolution Center. She is someone who can draw on her lived experiences in her work.
At the height of the 2020 racial justice protests, Kwamu-Nana was living in Santee. Her home was very close to the intersection where demonstrators with the Black Lives Matter movement were confronted by counter protesters, many of whom were affiliated with Defend East County, a right-wing militia group.
As as Black woman and immigrant from Cameroon, who has had her own personal journey to understanding the history of racism in this country, Kwamu-Nana wanted to understand.
“I could not imagine how can anybody be counter-protesting this,” she recalled thinking. “It doesn't make sense to me.”
So she walked across the street and tried to talk to the counter protestors. She was scared, but she just wanted to talk.
The first attempt didn’t go particularly well. A man approached her and said, “Oh, I can’t breathe,” a mocking reference to the desperate plea uttered by George Floyd more than 20 times as he was being suffocated by Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin on May 25, 2020.
“I found that very offensive because we’re on the other side holding signs that said ‘I can’t breathe,’” Kwamu-Nana said.
At that point, she walked away, gathered herself, and then kept coming back. Day after day she crossed the street and sparked up conversations. She listened to what they had to say and in return she explained her viewpoints and experiences on why these protests were taking place.
The experience had its ups and downs. Some people were not open to it, but others were and did engage. In the months that followed, she held several healing circles where people had the opportunity to talk with one another.
Drawing from her work and personal experiences, Kwamu-Nana has three tips for Nakkash and others who are facing tough conversations:
GO IN WITH AN OPEN MIND
“Go into this conversation not with an intention to destroy, but an intention to engage. If you’re going with the aim of ‘I want to destroy you,’ things shut down very fast.”
EMBRACE DISCOMFORT
“Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Expect discomfort and see it as okay and in fact necessary [because] we cannot grow without discomfort. Let’s lean into it instead of using it as an excuse to get out of the conversation and shut down.”
IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING AN ARGUMENT
“Get into a conversation not to prove you are right, but to sharpen your understanding of the issues. Instead of telling people they are wrong, tell them their perspective is incomplete. You want to help them broaden that perspective. And in turn, you should be prepared to have your perspective changed as well.”
Kwamu-Nana wants everyone to embrace conversations that can feel tough, but there are some caveats.
First off, recognize when the person you’re trying to have a genuine genuine conversation with is only interested in provoking you.
“Self-care is choosing not to engage with people who are committed to misunderstanding you,” she said. “When you notice that someone is committed to misunderstanding you, don’t engage, it is a waste of your time, it’s a waste of everybody’s time and they actually enjoy the chaos.”
Finally, it’s important to recognize that while the conversations can be a big step in the right direction, they are just that, a first step. And they don’t, by themselves, absolve the harm racism causes.
“Breaking bread with people does not make those people immune from their racism or any other biases or harm they’re causing and it doesn’t make us immune from whatever harm we’ve caused,” she said. “However, breaking bread is a starting point.”
To join the conversation or to ask a question, use the form below or contact KPBS Racial Justice and Social Equity Reporter Cristina Kim at (619) 630-8516 or chkim@kpbs.org.
